Wednesday, 23 December 2009

So, Uni is finished for the year. Have a month off to do.... well seeing as I haven't got a job, the next 30days will be spent getting fat off the remnants of christmas and getting to know Jeremy Kyle once more, actually thats a lie, Jeremy Kyle is on before 1pm. Neighbours shall be watched once again, oh how I have missed the smouldering godess that is Susan Kennedy, the fact she is a lesbian in real life only makes the fantasy better, nobody could tell me they would say no to a threesome with Susan and Carl. Maybe Toady could come in a wrestle a bit, Lou could jangle his old wrinkly balls and Paul could impale with his stump (not actually murder or commit GBH but vaginal or anal insertion). I think I should stop but am also thinking an erotic novel could be on the cards.

Basically this holiday is bad news, I will continue to add to my ever growing torso (although I am festively plump and it is winter, so some allowance can be made), I will watch more daytime TV, I will spend what little money I have in the pub and I will have enough free time to think of more perverse stories. The next month is basically going to be exactly the same as uni but with less work. Oh yes.

Snow! Who hates snow? If you do, you are a prick. Sadly in Canterbury it sort of snowed, which was annoying. It was such half arsed snow which soon melted and became ice. One of my few weaknesses is balance. I am not really a graceful type of guy, this combined with shoes with soles seemingly made of …. (I am currently in a car on the way home and have been trying to think of something slippery for 5minutes, I have failed and the only thoughts that have come into my head are poo and ice, seeing as poo isn't very slippery..) ice. Now even in a sober state ice proved be my nemesis, almost falling over in front of a pub and then walking on, believing I had got past the ice, my exact words “well at least we have got past the ice”. I think you can guess what happened, almost destroyed my back with quite a hefty fall. My girlfriend, full of sympathy, was rather amused. Me and my tailbone were not.

I was once again foiled by the ice later in the day. This time with two extra factors which must be considered. Being slightly inebriated and Reet Petite. Either with ice is pretty dangerous, alcohol and ice needs no explaining, Reet Petite (it is almost impossible not to click fingers and for hip action not to ensue upon hearing Reet Petite) and ice is just as dangerous. Clearly this urge is accentuated by alcohol. Some people have witnessed what I am capable when these two things cross. Now having a dance off to Reet Petite in the middle of an icy road while drunk is obviously asking for trouble. Well, you may well think that but you are wrong. Obviously it ended with me falling over and I do believe one of my legs is slightly bruised, however I did not feel any real pain at the time and my phone was not broken either. Everybody should be drunk, dancing on ice while listening to Reet Petite. In fact, ITV should change the format of there shitty Strictly Come Dancing clone, have totally forget the name of it, to my format. I would certainly watched “celebrities” drinking a bottle of whisky, falling over and, hopefully, seriously injuring themselves. What brilliant sadistic TV that would be.

I wrote the earlier bit a few days ago now but it is lucky I did not post it. Heather Mills is apparently doing Dancing on Ice. Now my idea is now defunct. I will be watching Dancing on Ice if she is on. I can guarantee that thousands of others will as well, just waiting for the moment that it drops off. To be fair, I think she should just get it out of the way and stop the torrent of abuse and mocking she will inevitably get. Seriously, for her first dance she should just whack off her leg and swing it around her head and scream. This is clearly the best course of action, as it would be hilarious and I wouldn't have to watch the show for longer that 5mins.

Review - Avatar

I am sure most people know the plot by now but for those who are unaware, Avatar is basically the story of a big corporation trying to obtain a hugely valuable material, “unobtainiam”, from a planet, Pandora, which is inhabited by large smurfs. I can't be bothered to go through the plot having just watched the film, but it basically turns into a war between greedy capitalist humans against the indigenous population with a few humans falling in love with the Na'vi way of life and then joining forces with them against the “sky people” The rest is pretty self explanatory.

I will start off with the good. It is visually stunning, totally and utterly breathtaking. The film cost 250+ million to make and it seems to be money well spent, especially as the film has already made a profit. Cameron is extremely good at creating worlds and this is his best. I really can't stress how amazing the film looks, Cameron really has created a world, which is totally believable and is totally immersive.

I have seen quite a few films in 3D and have never been impressed, most have just been gimmicky and totally pointless. The 3D in avatar is subtle and that's a good thing, however I am still not sure how much 3D added to the experience, I really want to see it in 2d to see how the experience differs but I was impressed with how the 3D worked

The film is flawed and really, really frustratingly so. I have heard the film being called, Dancing with Wolves in Space and there is a lot of truth in that. The entire plot and story is clichéd and some scenes are really quite dull because of this. The Na'vi are very much like how Red Indians have been portrayed in numerous films before it. Witch Doctors, being at one with nature and random gods all seem to be a bit simple, Cameron has created this beautiful, creative world and yet is so lazy with the characters and plot. It seems as though all the time was spend one the creation of the world and the story was an afterthought.

I did find myself frustrated by how the viewer was treated, it seemed the film was edited for morons. The film constantly stopped to explain itself, about exactly what everything was and how that effected the world. This was frustrating because Avatar was done well enough to not need a lot of the detailed explanations.

The characters all lacked depth which maked it really hard to sympathise with any of them and makes it really hard to immerse ones self into the film emotionally. I spent the whole time feeling detached from the characters and more interested by what little wonders the world would throw up rather than how relationships between the characters moved along. This is at the heart of the problem with the film, Cameron is too pleased with his world and wants to show it off to the max.

Even though I have been terribly negative about a lot of things it is only because I was so impressed by what was done well. Avatar is an experience for the cinema, not since King Kong have I been so impressed by a pure cinematic experience. Avatar has all the beauty but is lacking the brains for this to be a true masterpiece.


Sunday, 13 December 2009

OMG JOE WON XFACTOR!!!!!!!!!!(I didn't watch by choice) I really don't care one little bit, well actually, that's not entirely true. The guy will probably get a christmas number 1 even though "his song" is total dross.

Christmas time should be about christmas songs or completely awful unashamable cheese. The past 4 christmas number ones have been from xfactor winners. THE PAST 4! All of them being metaphorical songs about the "journey" the contestant went on. Frankly I don't give a fuck what sort of journey they went on and all would be fogiven if any of the songs were half decent or contained any sort of fun.

I was on board with the whole RATM for number one idea until today. I really don't want Killing in the Name as christmas number one. How depressing would that be? (And I am a Rage fan) I want a Mr Blobby, Rolf Harris or 50's stlye classic. Either give me somebody properly talented (play an instrument and/or write their own songs along with the vocals) or somebody who will bring me joy with cheese or just simple fun. Not boring, "meaningful" shit performed by glorified kareoke singers.

Here's my all time christmas number 1 top 5.

5) Jackie Wilson - Reet Petite
4) The Beatles - I feel fine
3)Cliff Richard - Mistletoe and Wine
2)Gene Autry - Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer
1)Slade - Merry Christmas Everybody

Honourable mentions: Rolf Harris - two little boys. Mr Blobby and Human League - Don't you want me.

I do believe however I could be in with a shout of christmas number 1 with my cover of Huxley Pig (This was released 4years ago but due to sparce critical acclaim it never really hit the hights it clearly warrants)

Fuck RATM, Vote for my Huxley cover. I can even dance!

Dick of the Week - Essays

Sadly I have left my essays to the last minute so time is an issue, hence why no review or proper dick of the week. *FUCK YOU UNIVERSITY FUCK YOU ESSAY*(In my best Japanese accent - A South Park refrence for all of you who didn't understand)

That is all for now. However another blog will appear soonish. More importantly The Adventures of Gashington Bear and Barnstable Beaver is being written and illustrations should be started by the end of the week. For those who do not know, I am an extremely talented artist and story teller. Here is my finest work to date.

(Click on it to enlarge)

Sunday, 6 December 2009

So it's the season to be jolly ey? Well, sort of anyway. I love the festive period. December is the best month, my birthday, Christmas and new years. What could possibly be bad about December? One vital ingredient. People, lots of bloody people and what makes it worse is that 90% seem to be severely handicapped.

I want to get my fucking Yorkshire puddings and frozen peas without having to feel like I'm on strictly come dancing. Now it's fair enough people want to browse in the shops but when people, for no reason just stop in the middle of the pavement, there is no excuse. There is no excuse for people to walk 0.0003948 miles per hour, unless they have no legs and haven't a wheelchair.

The problem is that the more I dodge, the more I start to lose it and the more and more enraged I become. I have come up with two ideas which will clearly solve this problem.

1)Pavement police - In an ideal world flamethrowers would be given out, health and safety however would probably not allow. Large wooden sticks would do. They would be allowed to hit the slow until reasonable movement speed occurs, extreme force would be allowed.

2) Lanes - A fast lane, an average walking speed lane and a slow lane. You may pose the questions: Wouldn't people just ignore them? How will it be policed? A law would be passed stating that anyone who enters the incorrect lane for more than 10seconds would be liable for 10years in prison and that citizens arrests would suffice for sentencing. This is clearly a fool proof system and should be introduced before somebody (possibly me) loses it and commits horrible atrocities.


Tropic Thunder
- After totally forgetting it existed, I finally got around to watching it and was very disappointed. I had a bad feeling about it because of the A-star cast and the huge amount of money it cost to make.

The biggest problem with Tropic Thunder is that it's just not very funny. The spoof trailers are funny and I laughed a few times but found myself losing interest and only gaining it upon hearing one of the many loud explosions and this is the fatal flaw of the film. The film tries to satirise big Hollywood blockbusters but in the end becomes a parody of itself.
The A star cast clearly left the Hollywood fatcats salivating, hence the huge budget ($100million) Tropic Thunder becomes more about explosions and overly silly/acted clichés than any intelligent or, more importantly, genuinely funny interchanges. The talent on show never really gets a chance to shine because the script and plot just doesn't allow it.

There are a few positives. Tom Cruise is really quite good as a smarmy Hollywood bigwig and Downey Jr plays his part well (even though his character really isn't very well written). I really think that the film is too big for itself. The explosions and scenery end up adding very little to the film and it’s simply not that funny. Don’t bother with it.

Letters from Iwo Jima - Clint Eastwood is just amazing. I have yet to see one his directorial films that I have not really enjoyed and this is no different.

Letters is the Japanese (and far superior) side of his two part epic about the battle for Iwo Jima during WW2 and follows the heavy outnumbered and outgunned Japanese as they fight in the face of certain death.

The film is shot and directed in way that is clearly sympathetic to the Japanese cause and really dispels the myth that the Japanese were all mindless, kamikazioning (Officially now a real word) robots.

Eastwood leaves himself open to criticism with this movie. The film is clearly meant to be thought provoking and poignant but it is made so skilfully and so beautifully that you really can't help but feel respect and deep sadness for the Japanese soldiers. A must watch.

Dick of the Week - Canterbury Tesco.

Now I have already moaned about extra slow people so will forgo that but Canterbury Tesco needs to be sorted out.

The first major problem with Tesco is the extreme number of teenagers hanging about outside. I have no idea how many there are, probably a limitless supply. From scene kids to chavs the array is horrible enough but they don't seem to be doing anything. Why the fuck would anybody want to spend time outside of Tesco? So once you finally manage to dodge the bastards, you have a few more challenges to get through.

The reduced section is another point of conflict (I will explain more in a later blog). Although to be fair I did find a Tesco Finest corn fed chicken reduced from £7.20 to £1.50. I was a bit floppy at that point but the fact I beat an old lady to it helped improve the situation to a full on semi.

My biggest annoyance is with Tesco is those new self service checkout things. Canterbury Tesco has about 10 and a big screen showing the queuing customer which of those are "In use" and those to "Go to". Maybe every time I go to Tesco blind people are shopping, or it's national close your eyes day. Okay sometimes the machines are broken but really there have been countless times when people just stop, ignore the 30inch plasma screen and just stand moronically staring at nothing. Maybe they are pissed off at the teenagers too, thinking about the most efficient way to wipe them out. It comforts me to think in such a way.

That is really quite depressing, uplifing is needed.

Makes me almost wee myself everytime I watch.

Sunday, 22 November 2009

After the ridicule I received for my last entry, I was going to quit. However, I have since realised I'm Gary Glitter. Somebody will appreciate me, even if I have to pay them a nominal fee.

Scene Kids/Fashion Fags or whatever they are

I really get pissed off with them, it really makes me angry seeing them walk around. I want to join forces with Danny Dyer so we can rid the streets of this problem. They are pricks. Okay, that is unfair, there are obviously exceptions to the rule and have met some lovely people who fall into the category but I have met and seen far more who are just bad people. Then need to be cleansed.

I think the best way to vent my loathing of these sorts is through a number of key areas

1. Attitude. - They are rude and inconsiderate. If you aren't wearing at least two of the above (those shitty high tipped baseball caps/big black scene glasses/band t-shirt/skinny jeans/boots/Nike dunksters), they will not move, smile or be in anyway a normal human being.

2. Skinny Jeans. Girls in skinny jeans work pretty much 99% of the time, they look good on girls. Boys however are different.

If you are plump you shouldn't wear skinny jeans, imagine Jabba the Hut on stilts. Being stupidly skinny doesn't work either, is the third world malnourished look "in"?
I could write for hours about why skinny jeans are wrong but will admit that skinny jeans look good on a small percentage of boys but the percentage is tiny. Also

A clear medical fact from a fully qualified doctor

3) Over-sized glasses. Why is this the fashion? I actually hate them more those shitty Kayne West ones. I hate them more because people who wear them don't even need glasses but think it's some sort of "geek chic" type thing. STOP IT. You look like a prick

4) Boots. I have noticed a worrying trend. Males wearing cowboy and Ugg type boots. I am unsure if it's just a homosexual trend. If you own a horse and lasso then Cowboy boots are fine. If you live in Siberia, Ugg type boots are fine. Those type of boots in Canterbury is never fine, ever. Hopefully this issue will not get worse.

Review - Ken Hom's Prawn Toast
After being mocked for my, somewhat pretentious, last review I have decided to keep this one simple.
These prawn toasts are available in Tesco, a pack of 10 costs about £1.90

They tasted okay but my poo the next morning consisted of about 90% sesame seed. I will not be buying again.

Dick of the Week - Myself

I have relapsed and I wish I was talking about my choc ice addiction from last year. I am playing World of Warcraft again. World of Warcraft should be banned. Under 16's should not be allowed to play. Psychological tests should have to be undertaken before you can play. The government spends time purging scientists but WoW is the real issue, forget marihuana. It ruins lives.

"I find all of this a bit strange. My wife is addicted to WOW. I don’t know what to do. she plays with every free moment she has. Ever since BC came out she has been playing nonstop. My problem with it is all the time dedicated to playing. She spends more time with her online friends, which are all guys, than she does with me. I have also found that she has one of her online friends phone number and they are conversing out of the game.

I am at my wits end. I feel i should call this guy and let him know she is married and not on Wow to hook up but i am afraid of what the consequences of doing that will be. I am this close to filing for divorce. And when i do i will send blizzard and dell a thank you for ruining my marriage. without them (blizzard and dell) i think i would still have my wife.

I am going to fall in love with a man from called Keith whose second hobby is taxidermy. The problem is I smoke, I drink, I eat Pukka pies. I enjoy stuff that is bad for me. There is a 70% chance I will meet somebody from the internet and i will become obese, maybe that’s how I will grow old.

This could be my last ever blog, I may be sixteen stone by the end of the week. So due to this impending doom i will make the plea for everybody to adopt an animal. It is my personal mission and would love you forever for doing it!


Friday, 13 November 2009

So this is "blogging"

I never thought i would have one of these things. I still think most people who blog have delusions of grandeur, dreaming of thousands fingering f5. Maybe I'm wrong and "Personal bloggers usually take pride in their blog posts, even if their blog is never read. Blogs often become more than a way to just communicate; they become a way to reflect on life or works of art (Thanks wiki)That sounds horribly pompous. Oh well I guess it's worth giving a go.

The basic plan is to rant, review and to generally increase my own sense of self importance.

WWF. Everybody wins.

WWF-UK - Adopt a panda

Everybody should adopt a WWF animal. If you don't then you are officially one of the dicks of the week. I can understand why you wouldn't want to do adopt a donkey or give a small African child water but a Panda, Polar Bear, Leopard or Tiger. You must have a heart of stone to not want to be involved with one of those AND you get a cuddly toy for your troubles. Bombardment from charity is a good pressure but it is also one of the most annoying.
Every time I go into town charity workers litter the pavement, just waiting to pounce. However the only time ANY student stops is if they are vaguely attracted to the charity worker. Would you honestly ever go stop and listen to a fatty who smells, or somebody with a monobrow? If yes, then you are fat, smell and have a monobrow. I always feel a tad bit guilty ignoring them or listening to them with having no intention whatsoever to give. It's nice to be able to be able to say, "sorry got me a charity already" Supporting the WWF will therefore stop you being harassed as much and you get to act like a smug prick.

I get Children in need, Sports relief and the gazillion other charities but nothing motivates me enough to actually give. What do I get back? Self satisfaction? Moral superiority? Yeah those are all good feelings but WWF gives you a cuddly toy as well.

If you are still not convinced then watch any animal programme that David Attenborough has ever been involved in. If this doesn't convince you or make you at least contemplate donating them you are truly heartless.

If anyone was hoping for wrestling, here you go

Album Review

Maylene and the Sons of Disaster III

They are the best Southern hardcore band around and simply one of the best hardcore bands around. With this, their third album, and probably my least favourite they have changed direction.
I am a musical cretin. I listen to bands like Maylene for heavy, hardcore rifts and music which makes me want to . This album slightly disappoints me. A mellower effort which never quite make me want to jump and punch people.

The last track on the album is by far the worst. A hardcore band doing a soft instrumental? I find instrumentals to be dull and pretentious at the best of times but this seems like some sort of reverential homage to their past 3 albums. Something that i did not expect, nor like one little bit

Best Song - Just a Shock.


Dick of the Week
- Twitter- Am i the only one who thinks it's totally pointless?

. Why would i want to know if Kerry Katona was eating a kebab at 8am? Would i also want to know if Al Gore was wanking over un-melted polar ice caps. Or if Daniel Radcliffe stuck brooms up his arse? Yes i would, almost more than anything.

Sadly nothing happens. Even Stephen Fry, who i love with a sordid passion, is sadly dull. It is just a crappy advertising tool. Twitter has one of the functions that Facebook has, yet people have a Facebook and a Twitter? Why?, If somebody can give me a good reason (other than it is just a crappy fad)then i will change my mind but for now Twitter is the dick of the week.